'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the spaceship, Every creature was stirring, including Commander Flongwhip. Uniforms were thrown on the floor without a care, As many aliens floated, upside-down, in mid-air.
Some of them were standing up on their heads, With visions of planet Earth, where humans slept in beds. And Commander Flongwhip with his Snotglop, and I in my Fnack, Set a course for Earth, as we had a large snack.
When suddenly outside the spaceship there arose such a clatter, I jumped from my chair, thinking we had run into another pile of matter. Away to the spaceship window I ran with Captain Fnash, Tripped over Sargent Suttah and fat Lieutenant Clash!
The moon on the side of our spaceship was shining, And then I heard Sphignat, our spacedog, start whining. When what to my large, onyx eyes should appear, But long, shooting flames coming out our ship's rear!
I turned to Captain Fnash, who was now floating more quick, And said, "Captain, I fear we've run into Saint Nick!" More rapid than dungshotz flew the reindeer we'd maimed, And as we entered Earth's atmosphere, I suddenly exclaimed:
"Poor, Dasher! Poor, Dancer! Poor, Prancer and Vixen! Poor, Comet! Poor, Cupid! Poor, Donner and Blitzen-- Got in our flight path as we were starting to fall, And somehow our spaceship ran into them all!
To the top of their antlers! To the top of their heads! These deer had an accident, and I hope they're not dead!" As dry spaceship waste emits a foul odor, When it's left to sit too long with no motor,
So these eight reindeer got in our way, With Santa driving them; now they'll be heck to pay. We then landed on Earth, and saw the injured reindeer fly, Over our heads with their huge, bewildered eyes.
The poor deer had met with an obstacle in the sky, Up in the atmosphere, they were flying too high. And then, suddenly I saw them on our ship's roof, They were scraping and clawing with each reindeer hoof.
As I was turning around, I heard a strange sound, And saw Saint Nicholas fall down from the sky with a bound! He landed on our spaceship, squashing four, poor deer, And then he yelled some terrible words, and I was filled with fear.
He was dressed in black fur, from his head to his foot, And his once-red clothes were tarnished, but from ship's fumes, not soot. A bundle of broken toys was slapped across his back, And a pedal from some poor kid's bike went sailing out of his pack.
His eyes--how mad they looked! His dimples, looked really silly, His cheeks were sagging balls of fat, his nose was bumpy and hilly! His drooling, little mouth was tied up like a sash, And the beard on his chin was as brown as moldy mash.
The stump of a pipe he had bitten down on and broken his teeth, And the smoke from our spaceship circled his head like a wreath. He had an expressionless face and a hugely fat belly, That was covered with remnants of peanut butter and jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a quite old, fat, elf, And I pulled out my ray gun and aimed it, in spite of myself! A blink of his eye and a twist of his head, Soon gave me to know I had something to dread.
I spoke not a word, but went straight to my work, And began to neutralize him, before turning with a jerk, And cramming a finger inside of my nose, And giving a nod, into my spaceship I rose.
I sprang to the bridge, to my team gave a scream, And away we all flew, like we'd just had a bad dream. But Earthlings heard me bellow as we flew out of sight, That fat old man just had a really bad night!"
