Night Before Christmas |
| 'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, Empty bottles and cans thrown about by some louse. My best bottle I'd hidden near the chimney with care, Had been found by some drunk who drank it right there. All our buddies and pals had been poured in their beds, To awake the next morning with hungover heads. My lips, dry as hell, up and down they did flap, I thought it'd be swell to have one more nightcap. And then from the roof I heard such a yell, We all sprang to our feet to see what had befell. And what to my bloodshot eyes did I see... But eight staggering reindeer caught up a tree! Way up in the branches was a man in a sleigh, I knew it was Santa -- quite fat and quite gay. Nearer and nearer those eight reindeer came, While old Santa hiccuped and called them by name: On Whiskey! On Bourbon! We ain't got all night! You too Gin and Vodka! Let's all do it right! Jump up on the roof! Get the hell out this tree! Start moving you rummies, I'll help you get free. So up on the roof went the reindeer and sleigh, But a tree branch hit Santa -- Oh, how his body did sway! And then to my ears like the roll of a barrel, A shrill of a noise like no Christmas Carol. So I lifted my head and sharpened my ear, Down the chimney he plunged, landing smack on his rear. His suit was all red with white fur for a trim. The way that he staggered, he was tanked up to the brim. Although he was tight and tried to stand right, He didn't fool me -- he was high as a kite. He spoke not a word and got straight to his job. But he missed half the stockings, that plastered old slob. Then thumbing his hand to the tip of his nose, He wiggled his fingers as he quoted some prose. He jumped for his sleigh at so hasty a pace, That he tripped on a roof tile and fell flat on his face! And I heard him belch back as he passed out of sight: MERRY CHRISTMAS you lushers! Now really get tight! |
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