HoHoHo HaHaHa's

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Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll. How does Al Gore's household keep Christmas politically correct? On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree. Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log. What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas? Forty feet of track - all straight! Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it " soots " him! Christmas: When you exchange hellos with strangers and good buys with friends. Christmas: The time when everyone gets Santamental. Father to three-year old: "No, a reindeer is not a horse with TV antenna. Some of these new toys are so creative and inventive. This year they have a Neurotic Doll. It's wound up already. I wanna tell you what kind of luck I've got. If I cornered the mistletoe market this year, they'd postpone Christmas. Christmas is the time of year when people put so many bulbs on the outside of their houses, you don't know if they're celebrating the birth of Jesus or General Electric. Do you know what it is like to put up fifteen hundred Christmas lights on the roof of a house? The kids are giving two to one odds I'm gonna come down the chimney before Santa Claus does. Christmas in Los Angeles is always interesting. Seeing carolers dressed in Bermuda shorts... groping their way through the smog singing: "It came upon a midnight clear." Did you hear about the Beverly Hills school Christmas pageant? Two kids dressed as Mary and Joseph and they are on their way to the inn in Bethlehem. On the other side of the stage, a boy in a shepherd's outfit is on a cellular phone, calling for reservations. Sometimes I get the feeling that if Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist. Santa Claus is a Jolly fellow! Imagine all that driving and still being able to say "Ho! Ho! Ho! For Sale by Owner: Complete Set of Encyclopedia Brittanica. Excellent condition, but no longer needed... wife knows everything. I know that people say "It's the thought that counts, not the gift", but couldn't people think a little bigger!?! Every year, Christmas becomes less a birthday and more a Clearance Sale. VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping. Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year, and thanks to credit cards, it's on my Visa Card Statement twelve months a year also. Jones: "The Chinese make it an invariable rule to settle all their debts on New Years Day." Smith: "So I understand, but then, the Chinese don't have a Christmas the week before." Musical Advice to Christmas Shoppers: Make out your Chopin Liszt early before Debussy season, when you have time to check out Verdi good bargains are, can still get gifts Faure good price, not have to Handel large crowds and have time to give Bach things you decide you don't want. One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof. As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here." The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here." Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" Jack replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service." FruitCake Philosophy: There is a theory that there is really only one fruitcake, that fruitcake has been passed from person to person from the begining of time. The humble fruitcake is indistructable and has an indefinite shelf life. The actual appearance, with or without the decorative frosting is far too intimidating, in my opinion, to be considered for consumption. On the twelfth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me: Twelve blown-out circuits Eleven damaged diskettes Ten disk-drive lockouts Nine burnt-out fuses Eight worthless printouts Seven system resets Six I/O spasms Five blank cassettes Four garbled saves Three loose plugs Two key bounces And a glitch on the video screen An older woman was cruising a busy parking lot just before Christmas in her new Mercedes-Benz looking in vain for a parking space. She finally saw someone loaded with packages heading for a car, so she followed him, put on her blinker and waited patiently until he pulled out. Just as he pulled out a young man in a sleek black Porsche zipped in to the space ahead of her. She was dumbfounded and outraged, and jumped out of her car, shouting, "How could you do that? Didn't you see me waiting there with my signal on?" to which he replied, "That's what happens when you're young and fast." As the young man was about to enter the store he heard the hideous crunch of metal striking metal. He looked back, horrified, to see that the woman had gunned her Mercedes and smashed it into his beautiful black Porsche. He ran back and cried, "How could you do that?" to which she replied, "That's what happens when you're old and rich!" After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks, and insane regulations at a certain governmental agency, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a Christmas gift for my son. I brought my selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register. "Cash or charge?" the clerk asked pleasantly. "Cash, can't you see?" I snapped. Then, regretting my rudeness, I apologized, explaining, "I've just spent the afternoon wrapped up in governmental red tape at the _______ bureau." "Ah," answered the clerk, understanding showing in her eyes. "Shall I gift-wrap the bat?" she asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there?" Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker face each other with light sabers drawn, about to commence an almighty battle of good over evil. Suddenly, in the middle of fight Vader pulls Skywalker to him and whispers: "I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING FOR CHRISTMAS, LUKE. IT'S TRUE, LUKE, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING FOR CHRISTMAS!" Skywalker tried to ignore this but couldn't in the end. He wrenched himself free and yells: "How can you know this!?!" Vader replied "I FELT YOUR PRESENTS..." Cats Top 10 Favorite Christmas Songs Up on the Mousetop Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas Joy to the Curled I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus The First Meow Oh, Come All Ye Fishful Silent Mice Fluffy, the Snowman Jingle Balls Wreck the Halls! Top 10 Reasons Santa's Asking For a Raise The hours, the weather, the trend toward smaller chimneys. Nike won't give him a lucrative side-contract. Reindeer and elves have unionized, driving up his cost. New tax on flying sleighs. Insurance for flying a sleigh has tripled over the past two years. Needs extra cash to cover off-season gambling losses. Air traffic controllers demanding higher kickbacks. Cost of living increase at the North Pole. Children don't leave as many cookies as they used to. And the number one reason is........ The Mrs. told him to! Today's Christmas Technology This year I bought several new strings of Christmas lights, the fancy kind that flash multiple different light patterns. Several days after putting them up on the Christmas Tree, I noticed that one string was "stuck"; the lights did not flash. I thought it was somewhat strange that the lights would be "stuck", as I knew that the light controller was electronic, with no mechanical parts to get "stuck". I unplugged and plugged in the lights, and pressed the button on the light controller box until the lights started working again. I had walked a few steps away when it struck me what had just happened: The light string was controlled by state-machine firmware. In other words, it was run by computer software. I just experienced a Christmas light firmware crash. I had just rebooted my Christmas lights! Gift Exchange Roy Collette and his brother-in-law have been exchanging the same pair of pants as a Christmas present for 11 years - and each time the package gets harder to open. This year the pants came wrapped in a car mashed into a 3-foot cube. The trousers are in the glove compartment of a 1974 Gremlin. Now Collette's plotting his revenge if he can get them out. It all started when Collette received a pair of moleskin trousers from his brother-in-law, Larry Kunkel of Bensenville, Ill. Kunkel's mother had given her son the britches when he was a college student. He wore them a few times, but they froze stiff in cold weather and he didn't like them. So he gave them to Collette. Collette, who called the moleskins "miserable", wore them three times, then wrapped them up and gave them back to Kunkel for Christmas the next year. The friendly exchange continued routinely until Collette twisted the pants tightly, stuffed them into a 3-foot-long, 1-inch wide tube and gave them back to Kunkel. The next Christmas, Kunkel compressed the pants into a 7-inch square, wrapped them with wire and gave the "bale" to Collette. Not to be outdone, the next year Collette put the pants into a 2-foot-square crate filled with stones, nailed it shut, banded it with steel and gave the trusty trousers back to Kunkel. The brothers agreed to end the caper if the trousers were damaged. But they were as careful as they were clever. Kunkel had the pants mounted inside an insulated window that had a 20-year guarantee and shipped them off to Collette. Collette broke the glass, recovered the trousers, stuffed them into a 5-inch coffee can and soldered it shut. The can was put in a 5-gallon container filled with concrete and reinforcing rods and given to Kunkel the following Christmas. Two years ago, Kunkel installed the pants in a 225-pound homemade steel ashtray made from 8-inch steel casings and etched Collette's name on the side. Collette had trouble retrieving the treasured trousers, but succeeded without burning them with a cutting torch. Last Christmas, Collette found a 600-pound safe and hauled it to Viracon Inc. in Owatonna, where the shipping department decorated it with red and green stripes, put the pants inside and welded the safe shut. The safe was then shipped to Kunkel, who is the plant manager for Viracon's outlet in Bensenville. Last week, the pants were trucked to Owatonna, 55 miles south of Minneapolis, in a drab green, 3-foot cube that once was a car with 95,000 miles on it. A note attached to the 2,000-pound scrunched car advised Collette that the pants were inside the glove compartment. "This will take some planning," Collette said. "I will definitely get them out. I'm confident." But he's waiting until January to think about how to recover the bothersome britches. "Wait until next year," he warned. "I'm on the offensive again."