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"Adult" HoHoHo HaHaHa's

The following may contain material not suited for young viewers.
Parents, please use your discretion.

Have you heard a 'good' Christmas joke you would like to share with others??
Please e-mail me, and I will include it.

What did Santa say to the three blondes??
Ho! Ho! Ho!

HoHoHaHa

Why did the snowman have a smile on his face??
Because the snowblower was coming down the block!!

HoHoHaHa

What do the female reindeer do on Christmas Eve while the males are pulling Santa's sleigh??
They go into town and blow a few bucks!!

HoHoHaHa

Why does Santa have no children??
He only comes once a year and that's down the chimney!!

HoHoHaHa

What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman??
A snowwoman is easier to make, 'cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and pack all that extra snow into balls to make its testicles!!

HoHoHaHa

On the first Xmas, the first of three Wise Men stepped carefully into the stable but sank his golden slipper into a big pile of manure.
"Jesus Christ!" he yelled.
The woman beside the manger turned to her husband and said, "Now, Joseph, isn't that a better name for the kid than Irving?"

HoHoHaHa

Three men die in a car accident Christmas eve.They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven.On entering they must present something Christmassy.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a cracker , so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties.
Confused at this last gesture , St. Peter asks "How do these represent Christmas?"
Answer: "They're Carol's."

HoHoHaHa

Santa is out Christmas Eve delivering gifts. At each house he sneaks down the chimney to make sure everyone is asleep before he comes back down with the sack of goodies. At one house he goes down the chimney and there is a lovely lady sitting on the recliner.
She says "Santa you really ought to stay for a while" .
Santa says" Ho Ho Ho Santas gotta go, gotta get the presents out you know".
Well he goes back up the chimney for the sack of gifts and trips, presents fall all over the roof. He picks them up sticks them back in the sack and goes back down the chimney.
This time the lady is topless and says "Santa you really got to stay a while".
Santa says "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta get these presents out you know".
So back up the chimney he goes, as he walks towards sleigh he sees 1 gift still under the sleigh, so he gets it and goes back down the chimney.
Now this time the lady is totally naked and begins to arouse herself as she once again says "Santa you REALLY ought to stay a while"
Santa looks at her and smiles and says "Hey Hey Hey Santas going to stay, can't get up that chimney with my dick this way".

HoHoHaHa

It was Christmas time and Sean the Postman's favourite time of the year.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family, who wished him a 'Merry Christmas' and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing hooks, and the folks at the fourth and fifth houses had clubbed together to present him a fishing rod.
At the sixth house he was met by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind (amongst other things) with the most passionate lovemaking he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast - eggs, bacon, sausages, fried bread, tomato, waffles and freshly-squeezed orange juice - the works. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night I asked my husband what we should give the postman for Christmas."
He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar!!" "Breakfast was my idea..."

HoHoHaHa

Rudolph Revisited

(to the tune of "Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer")

My least favorite Christmas song of all time has got to be "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer". It's a story about how society rejected a freak until, overnight, he became famous. Then, all of a sudden, he's Mister Popularity.
Pshaw! This is not the kind of lesson we should be teaching our children!
So, in my humble manner, I offer you a song with a better lesson ...

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
Let me tell you a secret;
it's from a drug overdose!

All of the other Reindeer
used to laugh and call him names.
That is what drove poor Rudolph
to escape into Cocaine.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say,
"Rudolph, we know what you've done."
The police came and took him away.

Now all the Reindeer are straight;
they've given up PCP,
quaaludes, and marijuana,
and flying high on LSD.

Optional tag, to the tune of NOEL ...)
No L, No L, No L, No L.
None of the Reindeer do LSD.

HoHoHaHa

The Top Ten Santa Pick-Up Lines

"I'll make you shake like a bowl full of jelly."
"I put the 'scroo' in Scrooge."
"I've got something you can hang a wreath on."
"One hour with me, honey, and you'll see flyin' reindeer!"
"Buy you a Zima?"
"That is a candy cane in my pocket, and I am glad to see you."
"Uh -- yeah, that's right, I'm Kenny Rogers."
"I got your stocking stuffer right here, Shirley!"
"Giddy-up over here and say 'howdy' to your fat, bearded cowboy of love!"
"I've got an elf in my pants!"

10 Reasons Why A Tree Is Better Than A Woman

A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

Totally Inappropriate Gift Ideas

4^th Runner up: Li'l Naturalist Hornet Farm
3^rd Runner up: A Pee Wee Herman pull toy
2^nd Runner up: The Duncan Yo -- Goes down, never comes back. Teaches children about warranties
1^st Runner up: 5,200 pick up -- a jumbo deck of cards that lets kids play a larger version of their favorite game

Winner: The "Learn about puberty chia pet"

Honorable mentions:
Supersoaker 9000: For use on those hard to reach targets; NFL referees,low flying planes, and many more. At close range it can strip paint clean rusty grills, and dig utility trenches.

The laff-o-minit jajic spellin' tootor

Doggie dentist -- Kids learn about dentistry on the family pooch.

Cuisin-Art -- Turns mommy's food processor into a spinning paint tool.

Water retention Wanda -- Teaches kids the principles of the calendar.

Advanced play medical kit -- includes colonoscope and speculum.

Chocolate-covered lead soldiers

Bungeroo -- kid sized bungee kit for second story bedrooms

Islamic strip poker -- lose a hand, lose a hand.

HoHoHaHa

Santa's Bad Day

It was supposed to be a happy time, but it wasn't. Santa was really pissed.

It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the Christmas cookies. The Elves were bitching about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in while making toys, and the reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. They had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one of the runners.

Santa was beside himself with anger. "I CAN"T believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours from now and all my reindeer are drunk, my Elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and she isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

Just then the little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. She says: "Yo,Santa, where do you want me to stick the Christmas tree this year?????"

And thus the tradition of Angels perched atop the Christmas trees came to pass!

HoHoHaHa

The "Real" Santa

You think you got it bad?
All night long, soot up my nose, stinkin' socks, double barrel buckshot up my butthole, drivin' all night in the fuckin' snow...Hell, I damn near got side- swiped by a 747! Mrs. Claus is pissed off 'cause she found pecker tracks in the sleigh and lipstick on my collar.
And that ain't all!
Donner, Blitzen, and Rudolph, all got the shits over Albuquerque, and now my sleigh is a mess! Those worthless fucking elves won't clean it unless I pay them double time...the little bastards!
I'm so sick of milk and cookies, I could barf! Hell...the only hiball I had all night was when I slipped getting out of the sleigh and racked myself. My bladder is so weak that I pissed my pants at 20,000 feet and froze to the fucking seat.
Wait...there's more!
Now, I find out that I'm allergic to pine needles, and, holy shit, do my balls itch! Oh great! I think my hemorrhoids are back again.
Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas...Your Ass!!

HoHoHaHa

Barbie's Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).
So, here's my holiday wish list, Santa:

A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt?
Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.
Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.
A jogbra. To wear until I get the surgery.
A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec!
A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips;
"Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs;
or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch (how about Nicoderm??!!) and equipped with several packs of gum.
No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years - I think I deserve it.

OK, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,
Barb B. Doll (a.k.a. Barbie)

HoHoHaHa

Mixed up Presents

A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart and after careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up. The sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and sent it to her with this note.

Dearest Darling,

This is a little gift to show my affection for you on Christmas. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when you go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had been wearing for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and she really looked great. I wish I could put them on you for the first time. No doubt other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope you will like them and wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love,

P.S. Just think of how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.
Also, the latest style is to wear them folded down with the fur showing.

HoHoHaHa

The "Santa Clause" Surprise for Grandma

Disney's movie "The Santa Clause" mentions an 800 number which led to an Ohio grandmother's embarrassment. In the PG-rated film, Tim Allen's ex-wife offers to give him her phone number and he jokes, "What is it? 1-800-SPANK ME?"

Well, the grandmother, Shirley Dirth, thought the number was phony so she didn't mind letting her two grandchildren call it. She was quite shocked when they connected via her speaker phone to a phone sex line which let callers choose their own fantasy. On that real phone number, a woman's voice says, "Hi, sexy! You've just connected to the hottest phone line in America."

A spokesman for Disney has said it is just a coincidence and no one is begin punished.
Hmmmm, a coincidence? Or was some Disney screenwriter being naughty and not nice? (c: