"Adult" HoHoHo HaHaHa's

The following may contain material not suited for young viewers.
Parents, please use your discretion.

Have you heard a 'good' Christmas joke you would like to share with others??
Please e-mail me, and I will include it.

What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs What's long and hard on Canadians? Winter How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ? The balls are just for decoration. There's a new Bill Clinton computer coming out just in time for Christmas... It will have a six inch hard drive, but no memory. Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time? Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them. After Christmas vacation, an elementary school teacher was asking her students how they celebrated Christmas. When she got to Sammy, whose father ran a local toy store, she said, "Sammy, since you're Jewish, I guess your family didn't celebrate Christmas." Sammy replied, "Oh yes, we did. We all held hands and danced around the cash register singing 'What A Friend We Have In Jesus.' The Christmas church service was under way as they passed the collection plate. When the preacher saw a $100.00 bill in the collection plate, he stopped the service and asked for who ever put the $100.00 bill in the plate to please stand up. A gay man stood up and the preacher told him "Since you put that money in the plate I would like to let you pick out three hymns." The gay guy said, "Well... I'll take him and him and him." To the Tune of "Deck The Halls" See that drag queen his name's Molly. Fa La La La La La La La La For 50 bucks he'll make you jolly. Fa La La La La La La La La See him in his gay apparel. Fa La La La La La La La La You should meet his brother Carol. Fa La La La La La La La La To the Tune of "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer" Rudolph the red-nosed wino, Had a very shiny nose, And if you got too close to him, He would take off his clothes. All of the other winos, Used to laugh and call him names, They never let poor Rudolph, Join in any wino games. Then one chilly Christmas Eve, Rudolph froze to death in an alley. End of story. Teddy the Red-Nosed Senator Teddy the red-nosed senator Had a very shiny car And if you ever saw it You were probably at a bar. All of the other senators Wondered how he got his dames They thought he drank too many To play in any bedroom games. Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say: "Teddy with your nose so red, Won't you help me guide my sled?" That's how the police found them Wrapped around a maple tree Teddy the red-nosed senator He's a drunken S.O.B. Night Before Christmas (Traditional single-verse Christmas drinking version) 'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse, Which was hardly surprising, cos the night before, They'd all been out boozing and were flat on the floor! About one week after Christmas they found the Energizer Bunny dead, so they performed an autopsy to see how and why the Energizer Bunny died. They were surprised to see that he died by having too much sex. Upon further investigation, they discovered that the batteries were in backwards. The Energizer Bunny had died because he kept on coming, and coming, and coming, and coming...! A few days after Christmas a woman strode angrily into the large store and slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction. The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?" The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that Pussy Treats are meant for 'cats'?" He laid her on the table So white clean and bare. His forehead wet with beads of sweat He rubbed her here and there. He touched her neck and then her breast And then drooling felt her thigh. The slit was wet and all was set, He gave a joyous cry. The hole was wide...he looked inside All was dark and murky. He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms... And then he stuffed the Turkey. A little boy is standing in line to see Santa. He is a kind little boy. While standing in line he hears Santa say "So what do you want for Christmas?" and the little girl sitting on his lap says "I want a dolly, two wheeled bike, and some clothes for my dolly too. Santa said "I will see what I can do for you." He gave the little girl a candy cane and set her to the floor. It was now the little boys turn to sit on Santa's lap, so he walks up to Santa. Santa says "Ho Ho Ho little boy. What can I get you for Christmas?" The little boy says, "Nothing for me... but what can I get for you?" Looking suprised at the boy all Santa could do was laugh..."Ho Ho Ho Ho." The little boy looked at Santa and said: "Ohhh... so you want a hoe for Christmas??" A little girl asked her mother to take her to see Santa Claus so she could tell him what she wanted for Christmas. Her mother obligingly takes her to the mall. She sits on Santa's lap. Santa asks the little girl what she would like for Christmas. She replied Barbie & GI Joe dolls. Santa was a bit confused. "I thought Barbie always came with Ken?" The little girl responds "she only fakes it with Ken, she really comes with GI Joe." The department store Santa has little Johnny on his lap and says to him, "I bet I know what you want for Christmas, little Johnny. You want some t-o-y-s" he says, touching Johnny's nose with his finger as he spells out the word toys. "No, I've got plenty of toys." replies Johnny. "Then I bet you want some g-a-m-e-s!" replied Santa. "No, I've got all the games I want." came Johnny's reply. "Well Johnny, you don't want any toys or games for Christmas, what do you want?" asked Santa. "I want some p-u-s-s-y," Johnny replied, touching Santa's nose with each letter, "And don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!" After attending the office Christmas party, the 'life of the party' was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened?" "As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife. "Piss on him," answered the husband. "You did," said the wife, "and he fired you." "Well, fuck him," said the husband. "I did... and you go back to work in the morning." It was Christmas Eve and a woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. He asked her what it was she told him that she had visited the tatoo parlor that day and on the inside of one leg she had "Merry Christmas" tatooed, and on the inside of the other one she had "Happy New Year." Her husband asked her what all that meant and her reply was: "Well, now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!" Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married, Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies. Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she? Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom. Merry Christmas. Love, Mom Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty on Christmas, but aren't.... Did you get any under the tree? I think your balls are hanging too low. Check out Rudolph's honker! Santa's sack is really bulging. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake? I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real. Can I interest you in some dark meat? To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall. Top 10 Santa Pick-Up Lines Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh? Wanna see my 12-inch elf? I`ve got something special in the sack for you! Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip? I know when you`ve been bad or good--so let`s skip the small talk, sister! Some of my best toys run on batteries... Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that`s what the Mrs. calls it) I see you when you`re sleeping -- and you don`t wear any underwear, do you? Screw the "nice" list -- I`ve got you on my "naughty" list! Wanna join the "Mile High" club? Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines "I'm down here" "Just because I've got bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy" "I was once a lawn ornament for John Bon Jovi" "I can get you off the naughty list" "I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys" "I'm a magical being. Take off your bra." "No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over at Keebler" "I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man" "You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig" "I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners" Ken's Rebuttal Dear Santa: I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of the issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires. First of all, I, along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment -- the bitch has everything. I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy DO NOT have a dreamhouse, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. I too would like a change in career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken', "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as: "S & M Ken", "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", and "Master Ken". These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away", I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations -- we've talked about this issue before. In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blonde bimbo from hell will result in action to be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe -- he's mine. At least that's what he said last night in bed. Sincerely, Ken The Christmas Parrot A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night." The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him. The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells." The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing........ "Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!"